36 On life and happiness
Disability resulted in financial distress. I had to rely on early pension, my right to national child subsidies was taken away and I had to pay alimony. I was also saddled with a mortgage. Selling my car brought temporary relief. I could apply to national health insurance for augmented severe disability compensation. It was a new situation for me.
At some point I prayed for relief through the compensation from malpractice insurance, but when the pitiful compensation was paid after six years of waiting and fighting, I decided I would not waste any more time expecting any salvation from the outside. I managed to pay off the rest of my mortgage, nothing more. When I was about to go crazy I wrote everything down, and with the help of my ex-husband the amount of the alimony payments were reduced enough that I could sleep peacefully at night.
To have your economic situation collapse in addition to illness is a hard equation. I can recommend saving a monthly sum, no matter how small, just in case. Falling ill is enough to grasp without financial distress to accompany it.
I think that each of us makes our own happiness – in the end. The sum of difficulties in life is steady, but how they are handled and faced depends on the individual. Some fall into gloominess and easily drive people away, leaving sorrow as the only companion.
I think that falling ill, for example, is a huge shock to anyone. It is human, but as the situation is revealed the mind works in different ways. At this point it is my wish that those who share my destiny find positive determination and the ability to enjoy even small rays of light in the darkness. Life is after all a gift.
Some find new dimensions in their beings. That happened to me. I have always believed in the triumph of good. Now when life shook my blue eyed belief, I wanted to fight and battle for the positive side. I had to use my claws sometimes, but I never left raw feelings behind. I always tried to explain after the battle why I was forced to act as I did, to hold onto my life.
I also started to realize what is number one in my life and what comes second. I fell in love with life!
This book is unfortunately true. I know that everyone will not like what they read. My conscience is however clear after years of silence. I often wonder what my life would look like if I had done differently. I usually stop wondering quickly. The unique life that was given me is here – even now.
I am no angel of revenge, but nor am a saint, either. I love the truth, even though at times it hurts and h
urts others. I love this own, in my opinion, best life – me as myself. I am what I am and I like it. If anyone wants to interpret this as being conceited, they are wrong. I am comfortable in my imperfect self, because I now recognize genuine people more clearly. Life is funnily unpretentious and honestly open.
I keep my body in shape in the gym, the walk simulator and with standing practice; my mind up to date by following world events; my mind fresh with travel and my passion for music and my heart joyful by keeping children, loved ones and friends close to me.
It is also true that I do not feel hate or bitterness for things past. I read an excellent editorial from the Helsingin Sanomat newspaper recently, Happiness.
To quote Sami Sillanpää in part:
- Let go. Do not bury hate in your heart. This is what I did through this act of purification. I put my thoughts, and put an end to thinking about the malpractice, between the covers of this book.
- Be thankful – concentrate on good. I love my life, I rejoice in my children, in my loved ones, in the small joys of life. As far as I can, I want to exercise charity in different ways.
- Don’t let the wrongs you have suffered shackle your life. I continue my life and concentrate on the good that surrounds me. I live loving and forgiving.
- Accept the things you can’t change. Throw yourself into what you can change. I promise to continue throwing myself crazily!
I feel good living, because this way I do good to myself and to my loved ones as only a loving human being can do. Faith, hope and love plus determination and humor were the ingredients and method I used to drag myself back into life and I can here and now enjoy the roller coaster that is my life.